i am

TIRED.

I wrote four lines the first time I started this, but the way I wrote it was definitely not me, it was not how I wanted to write, much less how I am. I dont want to write in a short and direct way when nothing that happens around me is being short and direct. I dont want to write as if im sitting with a tea in my hand and trying to drop words about how life is going if I really have an enormous desire to scream, cry or just grab something so strong until I cant feel my hands.

Nobody said that all of this was going to be easy, and that's okay. No one said that we were going to be able to solve all our problems, and honestly, that's okay too. No one said I was going to smile every day, and you know what? Okay, but having to hide all of this, having to hide all the bullets that are fired, is cruel and it's stifling.

How much longer will I have to give up who I am so I can show others what I want to be? It's like putting your foot first before you take the step. I don't want to live like this, even though I'm doing it, I want to stop. I need to stop. 

I realized that I loved you. In fact, I don't think that you can "realize", I just felt that I loved you. How can I not? It's so intense. But I loved you the wrong way, I mean, I love you the wrong way. I'm sorry, is there even a wrong way to love? How can loving someone is wrong? Why are we condemned for loving? When love is all we have in the world? That is what it's left for us. And honestly, that is what I want to do. I don't want to be damned for loving you, I don't wanna have to hide it. 

If it was someone else I could suffer "in community", but since It's you I have to suffer "in silence". Does this seem fair? No, and it's not. All of this is so strange. On one hand, I feel that I don't want to fall for you because it would be easier. But on the other hand, I feel that I fell in love with the right person, and I can't imagine being without you. And you know what? This isn't bout us being together because I love you, and loving means that I want you to be ok, and I want you to be a 100% happy, and if that's not with me, that's fine.

Yes.....that's fine, I just want this pain to end.